The chapter title that I am working
through in Boundaries this
week is “Kids need parents with boundaries”. The author's point
is that though by nature we resist rules and limitations, from birth
even, we need them. While a child's actions are that child's
responsibility the parents teach the child what is permissible and
what is not. If I ask my daughter to take the garbage out and then do
not hold her responsible for the chore, I am actually teaching her
that it is her choice to do what I ask or not- that she does actually
have to obey me.
The
author's state early in the chapter “You need to interpret a
child's behavior as a response to your own.” Ouch. Does that mean
that when she does not take the garbage out it is truly my issue not
hers? Yes, she is still responsible to obey. But did I say it like I
meant it? Did my words and my tone of voice match? Am I sending mixed
messages?
Lately,
many changes having been occurring at my house. The changes are for
the better, but they are mostly physical changes. I have been down
sizing which is diminishing the physical chaos in the home. Now it is
time for me to examine the emotional chaos. This is a less tangible
thing to look at. How do I measure my life? How do I measure my
parenting?
The
authors remind us that a student can only learn to the level of the
teacher. It is not possible for me to teach my children how to be
better than me. They can learn how to be better than me- but not from
me. The statement made is, “Children will mature to the level the
parent structures them, and no higher.” So if I am not happy with
the behaviors exhibited is the fault of my children who are
displaying inappropriate choices, or my fault for teaches them that
those choices were appropriate to begin with?
The
challenge is to not take the responsibility of my children's choices
from them but to learn how to set clear boundaries and then hold them
responsible. I have taught my children how to take physical care of a
household. In other words they know how to do dishes, to clean up
their rooms, to vacuum, to sort and wash laundry and clean bathrooms.
What I have not taught them is respect and how to value another
person. My mother taught me through fear and I do not want to parent
that way. She also was not consistent in her expectations and
punishments- so when I did something wrong I may or may not get
punished for it and if I did, the punishment may or may not have had
a direct correlation with the original misbehavior. \
I
need to figure out what it is I am wanting my children to learn, what
characteristics I am trying to teach. Then I need to set clear
boundaries and hold to them. When correct behavior is displayed I
need to bless and praise for that- everyday. When incorrect behavior
is displayed I need to follow through with consequences that have a
direct correlation to the behavior. For example, my youngest daughter
has the job of loading the dishwasher. Often she loads it without
cleaning off the dishes first so that any debris on the dishes simply
gets spread around the load and all the dishes end up dirty- after it
has run and they should be clean. A direct consequence could be that
it is now her job to check the dishwasher when it is done and she has
to judge whether they got clean or not. If not then she gets to
immediately deal with the dirty load and reclean/rerun it. Over this
next week I need to seriously think about each one of my children:
what are their strengths an their weaknesses. What am I doing to
build them up. What is it about each one's behavior that I would like
to improve? How can I help them in that area? Am I being inconsistent
in that area, if so how? What can I do to change me so that I am an
example to them?
I have to tell you that I think "fault" language can be really unhelpful! It gets us into a blame game and that can only lead to anger and recriminations. Think more about what kind of parent do I want to be and am I capable of becoming--what kind of family do we want to me and are we capable of becoming. Work on that...avoid blaming yourself and anyone else.
ReplyDeleteAvoidance of blaming myself--or at least not riding hard on myself for the mistakes I have made--is something I struggle with. I have gotten to the point where I will take ownership of my choices, my actions, and my words. This is a strength, but when I see where I have messed up I tend to be very critical of myself. I am beginning to acknowledge that I only know what I know and I cannot be faulted for what I don't know. God and I are working our way through this concept. I do appreciate your thoughts as I take this journey through becoming a healthier woman and mother.
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