In addition to working through
Boundaries with Kids I
have also started a book called Motherhood: The Guilt That
Keeps on Giving by Julie Ann
Barnhill. Her premise is that moms naturally feel guilty for not
“being_____” for their children. In a mother's eyes any
shortcomings on the part of the child or children is the direct
result of her parenting. Part of the summary on the back cover of
this book says “On your way to the peaceful valley of Grace you'll
discover...
*the
difference between false (imagined) guilt and real guilt
*the
pitfalls of unrealistic expectations and overconfidence
*God's
path to less guilt and more grace”.
My
hope for myself this semester is to settle more comfortably into
motherhood, and single motherhood at that. My children are special,
are valuable, and I seem to forget to tell them that. My ex-husband
used to literally say, “I told you I loved you when I married you.
If that changed I'd let you know.” And it did, and he did, but the
point is that I do not want to parent the same way- where the only
things they hear from me are corrections. The Hebrews have the right
idea when they give 10 blessings for 1 rebuke. God extends grace to
me, I want to extend it to others- and if I cannot start in my own
home...
In
the introduction to this book the author talks about how she got to
the point of writing the book. She was teaching at a MOPS (Mothers of
Preschoolers) group and the topic had to do with moms and being good
moms, what that meant, and what part guilt played in mothering. Due
to conversations she was overhearing in the discussion groups she
stopped the activity and changed the question to, “What do you not
feel guilty about as a mother?” The room grew silent. In a room
full of women no one could answer that question. What a sad
commentary on motherhood. Not that I would have been any different
had I been there. How would I answer the question? Up until about 5
years ago, I would have said I didn't feel guilty about the amount of
attention I gave my children, about the time I set aside for them,
about the love I showered on them.
About
five years ago my former spouse voluntarily admitted himself into a
mental health facility for suicidal tendencies. Our marriage went
rapidly downhill after that. Looking back now I am not sure when I
stopped lavishing attention on my children. Part of it has to do with
their ages and the fact that teenagers naturally pull back from their
parents, but a big chunk of it does not. In fact, a dear friend asked
me recently when I grew hard-hearted toward my children. My initial
response was denial that I had done that, but because the person
asking is a dear friend and I know has my families best interest at
heart I began examining the issue. They were right, and I don't know
when it happened. So now I have a choice- I can either feel guilty
about yet another thing, or I can allow God to begin to transform me
from the inside out as I work through my boundaries and my guilt. In
the end my prayer is that my children and I come out of this portion
of our life journey with a stronger bond with each other and a deeper
appreciation for the grace of God.
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