I have mentioned before that I have
three teenagers. My oldest is a boy and is 16. My two younger ones
are both girls and are 15 and 13. In June of 2010 our family
separated. My former spouse and I had a very unhealthy relationship
and could never get on the same page that the way we interacted was
not only harmful to our feelings for each other, but also harmful to
our children, and to our family as a whole. Finally after years of
trying to hold it together I had to acknowledge that nothing was
going to change and that although I wanted my children to have two
parents, it was less toxic for them to suffer a separated family than
to continue to grow up in an environment that said this was an
acceptable way to treat another person.
Understandably, both my children and I
have had relational setbacks because of the breakup and consequent
divorce of our family. We are all having to relearn what it means to
show others they are valuable. To this end I have started reading a
book called Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr.
John Townsend. These men have written several other books on
Boundaries: in relationships, in dating, in marriage, in life in
general. They write from a Christian perspective which I value
because if my relationship with God is not what it should be then it
does not matter what my other relationships are like. Only when my
boundaries and my Christian walk is what it should be can I be the
example to those around me, including my children. And only when my
foundation is set on the rock of Christ can my other relationships
have the balance they should.
The authors start out the book talking
about a mom who is “helping” her teenage son by cleaning his room
up for him. She is a helper and enjoys assisting others. But it was
not until it was pointed out to her that her treatment of her son was
not healthy in preparing him for living in the real world that she
realized that at times helping is not actually helping. This
introduction made me stop and question what I may be doing that is
actually enabling my children. I have had to examine my attitudes, my
choices, my behaviors and question whether I am modeling what is
healthy for my children to take out into the world with them.
The second chapter the book talks
about character building. The authors had several good points
including that as parents we need to have a clear picture of what it
is we are trying to build into our children. If I cannot define what
characteristics I want my child to have then how do I know when they
have achieved it? And even if I can name qualities that I want them
to have- until I define what those words mean how do I know what
specific thing I am attempting to instill? And finally, what am I
modeling? Ouch. That one hit a little close to home, however it is
true. As the authors stated so concisely in the final remarks of this
chapter: “To develop a child of good character, we have to be
parents of good character. To develop boundaries in our children, we
have to have boundaries.”
I believe that my job over the course
of the next months is to develop boundaries of my own that will
Finally model those
characteristics that are healthy for my children in life. I have
stated before that in a way I feel as though I am going through my
teenage years now as well. I never had the opportunity to sort
through the value my family of origin handed me and decide which I
truly agreed with. Then I got married virtually right out of high
school and was handed a plate of my spouses values. Now at the age of
40 I am attempting to sort through and unpack values I agree with at
the same time my children are attempting to do the same. The trick in
all of this is to be consistent in my expectations as we unpack this
as a family. Tough road ahead: but it is worth it.
Florence, I think the real value of books like this is not so much that they give us answers but that they help us to think about what's going on and what we are doing--the goal, then, would be to figure out what is healthy and unhealthy in our/my situation. I think it can be really dangerous to assume that all health and unhealthy practices are equally so for all persons and families. I think that's what I see you doing--paying attention and asking how can I/we get healthier.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this.
Thank you for this feedback. You are correct that people in general, and often me in specific, tend to think in black and white--that all things are either healthy or unhealthy. That it is very clear, and one size fits all type of mentality. The reminder that I need to be present in my life, that I need to be prayerful about what it is God wants me to take away from what I read each day and how to apply what He wants me to take away.
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