This week I am back in the Motherhood book. The two chapters I read this week were called “The Foothills of Wasgonnabe” and “Mt. Shoulda”. They worked well with the place I was in in my life this week. Last Friday after I blogged I had a very hard weekend. I had a stressful night Friday night and that spilled over into Saturday. Because of my issues I did not deal well with my former spouse and also with my daughter who had an issue of her own. All of this brought me much self-inflicted guilt.
I was talking to my counselor on Monday. We talked through some of my stress and crisis issue during our session. He gave me some great pointers and some ways I need to rethink things for my self. I want to be a better model for my children. But I want know that I cannot become healthy—that is something we never arrive at. The best I can hope for is healthier.
One of the things I appreciate the most about this book is the incorporation of “things I have done right” comments from moms of various ages. It reminds me that no matter how much I may screw one thing up I will always have other things I have done right. Some questions I am starting to ask myself:
What is the best choice in this situation?
How can I help my family the most right now?
What is the best thing to do to avoid harming my family?
What does self-care look like in this situation?
There are all kinds of shouldas that I could beat myself up with. I could say that I shoulda prayed more or I shoulda been home more or less than I was or that I shoulda disciplined differently.
But the bottom line is that the past is what it is. I cannot live in the land of shouldas from the past. I need to use the past to learn from but not to beat myself up over it.
The chapters I have been reading in Romans this week talked about God's faithfulness and how faith brings joy. I understand that trials cause growth, but in the midst of the trial do we think about that? Do we think “I am glad that this thing is happening to me because it will cause me to grow” or do we say “why is this happening to me”? In my case it is often the later. I need to learn to trust God and to know he would help me endure. This is my focus for self-care for the next months until God shows me that we need to move onto another topic.