So I try to blog on Friday mornings. I
got to it late today and I am so glad that I did. An exciting thing
just happened to me.
This week I am back in the Boundaries
book. The chapter is entitled, “What Will Happen if I Do This?”.
It talks about entitlement vs privileges, also known as the law of
sowing and reaping. As I was reading through it I realized that I
have brought my children up to varying degrees of belief in
entitlement. While it was unintentional it still happened. So now I
have a 15-year-old who just automatically assumes if she wants it she
will get it. I am trying to teach them the difference between wants
and needs and also the attitude in how they ask for something.
The author opens the chapter with a
family scenario in which the child was given a job to do and he
failed to do it, but still got the privilege. A few pages later he
contrasts it with a family situation in which the child lost out on a
privilege for failing to do what was required of them. So now I am
examining my role as a parent. Am I making the expectations clear? Am
I holding them accountable? Am I acting more like parent 1 or parent
2?
After I got out of class I had an
appointment in SW Portland. While on my way to the appointment I
called my daughter to find out why she had not called me to tell me
she was home yet. During the course of that conversation she informed
me she had left her keys at home and so had no way to get in the
building. The parent I was a month ago would have canceled the
appointment and driven back across town to let her in. Instead today
I said, “Well the natural consequences of not having your keys is
that you cannot get into the apartment. I have an appointment and
cannot come back across town. Nor will I be free until I pick you up
at the pool until 6 pm.” (The two reasons I could feel comfortable
doing this are that: 1) it is not raining and 2) she can wait inside
the building, rather than outside, for her siblings.)
Her response to this was, “What am I
supposed to do?” Now I did have to walk her through some solution
options, but this is because I have always solved their problems for
them. I suggested she check with the apartment manager- she was not
there. I suggested she could call the assistant manager and find out
if he was on the property- he was. If he had not been her final
option would have been to walk to the middle school where her sister
is in school today and get her keys. And I didn't even feel guilty
about it. How liberating it is to make them responsible for their own
actions and the natural consequences of those actions!
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