The chapter I read in the Boundaries
book this last week goes right along with all the other issues I have
been processing through lately. It was called “I Can't Do It All,
But I'm Not Helpless Either- The Law of Power”. All to often I as
the perfectionist parent have to be the one in power. Learning to let
go of some of that power has been very hard for me. But on the flip
side my oldest is 16 and my youngest is 13. They don;t have that many
years left in their home of origin to figure out how to live in the
power they have over their own selves. If I rob them of that by
hanging onto all the power then how on earth are they ever going to
learn how to make those choices and those decisions on their own?
The big point in this chapter is that
“a child needs to understand what she can and can't do regarding
herself” (p. 90). At the bottom of this page is a chart that shows
“I don't have the power to” and “I do have the power to”.
Some of the examples it gave are: I don't have the power to survive
without needing others, but I do have the power to choose whom I
depend on. I need to present the choices to my children like that.
Last night my 15 year old daughter
had a friend over while I was gone. She and her 13 year old sister
share a room. I received a text from my 13 year old stating she wants
her own room because her sister is not respectful of her. When I got
home I had both girls come into the living room and I asked my
younger daughter to explain to be what was happening. The girls ended
up talking most of it between them however, for part of it I acted as
mediator and I know I was conscious of my word choices while this was
occurring. Toward the end of the discussion my 15 year old objected
to needed to talk to her sister about where she would like the girls
to hang out. Stephanie felt this was asking permission to be in her
own room. I walked her through the difference between being
respectful and asking permission. I think she got it, but the bottom
line is that there are choices in life but sometimes those choices
are limited. I have proven I can present it like that, now I need to
state it like that in the moment.
Another chart that was included in
this chapter was for parents. It says in one column “attempt to
have power over others” and “your response”. I feel that I need
to recreate this chart for myself. My 15 year old seems to be the one
I who struggles with this the most but all my kids do it. One of the
examples is “I can ignore you requests for me to _____”. Instead
of my losing my temper I need to state “I won't ask you more then
once and I am giving you____ time to accomplish it. If it is not done
then you will miss (specific activity).”
If I can act like the grown up in the home then they will come to
understand that certain behaviors are expected. On the flip side my
kids are older and I should have been raising them to behave this
way. For a variety of reasons I was not, but now I need to help them
create a space of growing and being able to be more in control while
at the same time holding them accountable for the behavior they
display. Very tricking line to walk. I hope I am managing to balance
it fairly well.